A Sea of Tissues

When you're an athlete, getting sick can be devastating. When you're an endurance athlete, the time you spend being sick is measured painstakingly in how much you're losing by giving up that training time to let your body fight off whatever's ailing you.

When you're a total poser like me it's a double whammy because not only are you lamenting the fact that the Bolder Boulder is a month and a day away and you haven't run since the last post you created on your blog, but you're even more discouraged to jump back in than those who actually are in shape or work towards getting there on a more regular basis.

These are the things I'm pondering as I sit in a sea of used tissues, my nose still totally stuffed up, and pop more Benadryl-D into my mouth. This part of the situation is not unusual for me; as the carrier of perhaps the worst nasal allergies of anyone on the planet, tissues, Benadryl-D and stuffy sinuses are part of my life. Nausea, chills, fever, aches, a perpetual headace and deep bronchial coughing are not, and I wonder how I managed to catch both a cold and the flu at the same time. I have spent a lot of time today downing juice and Echinacea and Cold Snap, taking it easy and threatening ye gods above in many ways if I don't get better by Sunday night.

Sunday night is the Jimmy Eat World show, which I've been looking forward to ever since my best friend Shawn introduced me to the band a couple of years ago. When you're home sick you have lots of time to ponder these things, and aside from my occasional threats and channel surfing I've spent a lot of time on the web today. I checked my e-mail earlier to find a new e-mail from Shawn; it was a chain forward with a touching story attached, one of those ones that ends with such things as "Remember: someone is thinking about you right now. Someone's day is made every tiem you smile..." and the like. I had received this one in particualr before, and even Shawn, who sent it to his zillion other friends as well as me, commented on its being sappy but this particular story touching him, so I read it all the way through anyway. As I read through those sweet little "someone's thinking of you" comments at the end, I started to think about my relationship with Shawn.

Shawn may be the only person who brings a smile to my face every time he crosses my mind. My boyfriend is wonderful and he got me to quit smoking, but we still get into weird places and have nagging doubts and sometimes, I get the worried look rather than the smile when I think of Gregory. The only time I've been worried thinking of Shawn was after we got in a huge fight and didn't speak for about two weeks. This isn't unusual; Shawn recently moved to Denver and we talk whenever it's convenient for us, most often when he's coming up to Boulder or when I'm in Denver, but it's not a big deal to go a period of two weeks without chatting. These two weeks were rife with concern and fear that I'd lost my best friend. Most of my other friends I'm rather ambivalent about, but Shawn, and the group of people I know through him, always make me smile. He called me after about two weeks and I called him back, and through a series of phone tags and brief calls we met up for dinner and made up almost instantaneously. Shawn showed me the collegiate party scene, how to cut loose and step out of my work-centric self and anjoy life a bit. Shawn also came to my rescue when I went on the worst date of my life and took me out the next night for what was one of the best nights of my life. If we'd gone to high school together, we would never have known each other: he's cool in every possible way, and I was and, in many ways still am, the quintessential band geek. He hangs out with the coolest people, goes to the most awesome clubs, and is one of the most popular people I've ever known. Shawn could walk into a room with any eclectic mix of people you could think of, say, or example, a neurosurgeon, a rock star, a bitter gothic poet and a Valley girl and have everyone talking to each other and laughing together in minutes. He makes the party...because he's sweet, funny, light-hearted and has a great sense of humor. He has a reputation for being a bit of a flake, but he's always there for his friends when we really need him. When my ex and I split I called Shawn crying, and he dragged me out of the apartment my ex and I shared for the following weekend to go to the X Games with him and a bunch of our other friends. Some of my most crazy experiences have involved Shawn, but also, some of the most honest and important.

Shawn is gay, and he and his boyfriend are very much in love. I am also crazy about his boyfriend--the three of us used to work together-- and we get along really, really well. I've known a lot of couples and a significant number of gay couples, but I can honestly say that I rarely have the kind of faith in a couple being really, really happy together and staying together if they want to, as I do in these guys. My mentor and her husband, who went through substance abuse treatment for him while she was pregnant and shortly after she gave birth to their son, and my little sister and her boyfriend, who have the best dynamic you could ever imagine between two people, are among the others. There's a stereotype in the gay community, and it's often true, that gay couples are more promiscuous than straight and that monogamy is a greater challenge for a gay couple. It's actually the case that monogamy is a challenge for eveyone, but gay people are more open about most things in general and monogamy just kind of falls into that category. These two have a great relationship, and I'm crazy about the two of them. So when Shawn asked if I would be the surrogate mother for he and Bryan, I didn't even think about it. I agreed instantly.

This is usually the type of conversation we'd have amidst a drunk "I-love-you-so-much" type of moment, and I think the fact that we were sober when we first spoke about it is what really made it one of the most important--and firm--decisions I've ever made. We were talking and laughing, we were at the X Games and on our way to a bar, but we were just goofing off and talking about having kids and Shawn asked, almost offhandedly, if I would be a surrogate mother for he and Bryan when they want to have kids. I replied, almost offhandedly, that I would, really without even thinking about it.

"Really?" He asked, looking at me. The look on his face suggested that he knew how quickly I responded and he was giving me an out if I wanted it.
"Really," I replied, looking back at him. I didn't think about it again, and while pondering the issue further, I found that it really was true. I would gladly be a surrogate mother for Shawn and Bryan. They both wanted children, they were in love, and they were two of the most incredible people I'd ever known. It was a significant moment that lost its sacred quality once we started joking about it, but we've spoken about it since and I've always been just as willing. We've discussed it seriously, and Shawn has expressed sincere gratitude, but truth be told, I honestly can't imagine saying no. I can't imagine NOT being their child's surrogate mother...partially because it would be a part of me as well, and partially because I would always be in that child's like, but mostly because if I had the opportunity to give my best friend the chance to be a father, that's the greatest gift I could ever give. Shawn has already given me what I treasure most: his friendship. I don't have very many friends, but all those that I value, except members of my family, have all come as a result of my friendship with Shawn, including Bryan and of course, Shawn himself.

Being a surrogate mom is really the least I can do to say "thanks".